I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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