My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
