just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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