Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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