DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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