We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
