what day is it and did you see me today?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
