Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
