Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
