i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
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