i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
