you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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