I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
