I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
