I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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