**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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