So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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