Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
