Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
