just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
