I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
