When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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