theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
