I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
