dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
