Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
