I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
