im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
