And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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