We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
