I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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