Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
