She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
