So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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