Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
