Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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