I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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