remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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