God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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