Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
