I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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