We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
