She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
