I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
