Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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