Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
