best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
