i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
