You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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