Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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